How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
