you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize
