i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
