if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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