okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
