woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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