I puked a lego.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize