I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
