Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
3pm strippers are depressing
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
