Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
