I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize