Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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