Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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