sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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