my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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