I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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