I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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