I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Randomize
