I just saw a hot homeless man
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
