hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
