i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
