there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
