You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
