Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
