chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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