Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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