Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
foreskin is a definite game changer
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
