he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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