omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
