We named our party play list daddy issues
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
