just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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