hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
