Me. At least after what I've been through.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
