I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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