She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
