listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
