I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
