No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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