oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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