I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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