This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize