i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
