Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Green mimosas i think yes
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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