my mouth tastes like poor choices
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
