This is not my ceiling
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize