You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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