Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize