I don't usually arrange sex via text message
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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