i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
