i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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