sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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