dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
