Already got asked if we're dating
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
