I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
